That may be overstated. Subordinates may HAVE emotions besides happiness, they just aren’t allowed to EXPRESS them. Now, most will say that they allow expression, but if you hang out with them very long you’ll soon see that there are certain rules and rituals subordinates must follow when expressing emotions (and all of these rules and rituals are designed to dampen the emotion). Raw emotion is never allowed.

Why is this?

I have theories, and none of them are complimentary to those in the positions of power. I know that when I’m the authority figure, that my desire to shut-down others’ “big feelings” is rooted in selfishness and self-centeredness. I don’t want to have to stop MY “important” work or interrupt MY leisure time to deal with their feelings. Their big feelings are messing up MY day. They should just suck it up and be quiet! (It’s really embarrassing to admit to this kind of knee-jerk entitlement.)

One of my related theories of why raw emotion is not allowed is that emotion is considered feminine and/or childish. And since women and children are always in subordinate positions in conservative Christian culture, well… being emotional is acting like a subordinate. So males in institutions and congregations who want to one day be considered for positions of authority must also squelch their feelings — because expressing feelings might be remembered and might permanently place you in the subordinate category.

Feelings are messy. Allowing “subordinates” to express feelings is an act of love and kindness and an acknowledgment of relationship. (I placed subordinates in quotes because I disagree with the hierarchy found within conservative/fundamental Christianity. I do not think that the way it is understood and applied is Biblical, but that’s a post for another day.)

This topic really applies to me personally in my parenting — in how I treat my children when they are feeling anything besides happy. I have a tween girl, and I’m getting MANY opportunities to examine how I handle the feelings that aren’t shiny-happy.

Long ago I rejected the the parenting “experts” within conservative/fundamental Christianity that told me that happy is the only acceptable emotion. I pray churches and para-church organizations will reject this notion as well.

Why do some Christians work so desperately to promote and enact laws that mandate “Christian behavior” for the entire country? What purpose does this serve?

Doing the “right things” or acting the “right way” does not save people. Christ saves people. Once we are saved, then we begin to do the right things and act the right way as part of our gratitude for our salvation and worship of our holy God. True obedience follows salvation. If someone obeys all of God’s laws but doesn’t know Christ, he is still unsaved. Being a “good person” may make the lives of those around you better, but it doesn’t save you.

It seems to me that legislating Christian Behavior is not at all something that Christians should put effort toward. It might make our country look pretty, but it would still be just a white-washed tomb. . . pretty on the outside and rotting decay on the inside. Things looking pretty can obscure the need for salvation; that should be the last thing that Christians want.

So, my first question is:

WHY DO SOME CHRISTIANS WANT TO LEGISLATE CHRISTIAN BEHAVIOR FOR EVERYONE?

The second part of this topic relates to how Christians view their children, and therefore what they require of their children. I’ll get to that in another blog entry.

When I say shame, I’m not talking about feeling guilt for wrong-doing or feeling ashamed by bad behavior… I’m talking about someone else shaming you. I know from personal experience how damaging and deeply hurtful shame is. If you reflect on your own childhood, no doubt you can think of one or two (or more ) incidents when you were shamed. Likely you still feel the profound shame of not measuring up or not being worthy of love that you felt in that situation 30 or 40 years ago.

One of my children is beautifully quirky and fun. Her outlook on life and unpredictable behavior are a constant source of joy and laughter. But this quirkiness also means that my reaction to her is all-too-often shaming. She is unconventional, so I sometimes find myself staring at her with deep confusion and a desire to make her more “socially acceptable.” Too often the unconscious mode I enter is “shame her into being more normal.” I hate it. As soon as I see the hurt in her eyes that my shaming has caused, my heart breaks and I want to flagellate myself for failing her again.

She is not perfect. She is a sinner. She needs Christ, but she doesn’t need shame heaped upon her by another sinner who also needs Christ… especially not about harmless, quirky behavior or age-appropriate, immature behavior.

Shame sends the message that behavior alone determines acceptance and love-ability.

Christ destroyed that paradigm. If I desire to live out the Good News, then shaming others has no place in my life.

Really, you should have been able to see my expression. The confusion, horror, and incredulity I struggled with were monumental. Blueberry picking with six young children? Really? Wow. WOW! Amy went on to explain that her sister doesn’t seem to make decisions based on the amount of work or trouble that will be caused her. Her sister will choose to do something (because it’s right, or fun, or whatever), and then will follow through with a good attitude about it.

Again, my expression was priceless.

I grant Amy’s sister the “Amazing Woman” award that I just made up. I’m unbelievably impressed by this concept, but I’m probably glad that I don’t know Amy’s sister because I’d end up feeling like Loser Mom.

Honestly, how much trouble or work something is going to cause me is probably the FIRST thing that crosses my mind. Please don’t get the impression that I only DO things that don’t cause me much work, that’s not true. I love to serve others. I really do. But before I commit to serving, I automatically assess how much it’s going to cost me and cost my family. Often this assessment would more accurately be stated: I have to know how much it’s going to cost my family because of how it will negatively affect my attitude because of how strung-out it will make me.

I’ve learned the hard way that my family suffers if I over-commit. I turn into stressed, angry mommy when I’m trying to accomplish too many tasks. My threshold for stress is pretty low. Too much noise and too much clutter can push me over the edge. Running late and grumpy kids can flip my angry-switch. I don’t like being Angry Mommy, so I’ve learned that I must be very deliberate about what I commit to and what I expect from myself.

Sometimes this means that my kids think I’m boring. That doesn’t much faze me. I do struggle with the potential for my husband to think I’m boring. If he were the at-home parent, I guarantee that my children would get to do more and go more places. He would be on-the-go with them all the time. The thing is, I just canNOT do that and be a nice mother.

The reality is that I have a lower threshold for stress and noise and disorder than many people do. If I try to live up to others’ levels of activity, then I fail in critical areas. My relationships with my children suffer when I’m stressed and angry. That is not acceptable to me, so I have to work really hard to keep things mellow. I have to let other people “show me up” and be okay with that.

I love my family. I have to reign-in my schedule in order to be nice to them. That’s reality.

Editing to add a link to another MORM blog. Scroll to the bottom of the linked page to see links for other MORM blogs.

In Search of Lost Time

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Why?

If that seems like a silly question, then examining your beliefs about errors might set you free. You know that everyone makes mistakes, right? But you aren’t allowed to be like everyone else? You are only valuable and lovable and worthy when you are perfect?

Hogwash.

Christ covered our sins, errors are inevitable, and there’s the little matter of “Love your neighbor as yourself.” This simple verse assumes that you do not hate yourself. God made us in his image, and we are to love ourselves. We do not have to achieve perfection or work, work, work to be worthy. God doesn’t expect us to be “worthy,” and those who love us (REALLY love us) don’t expect worthiness either.

The next time you make a mistake, admit it. If it’s a simple error, embrace it. If you’ve sinned, ask for forgiveness.

This is a powerful thing for us to model to our children.

Some of us live in our heads to such a degree that we don’t “see” clutter and chaos until someone brings it to our attention. Some of us are bothered by the clutter and chaos, but we seem unable to make lasting changes due to dysfunctional thought patterns. Some of us maintain an organized and spotless home as second nature. Some of us maintain an organized and spotless home due to issues related to self-worth.

I’m no organizational or cleaning expert. My friend, Amy, is a truly gifted homekeeper. (She’s not been blogging much recently due to some big changes in her life, but she has great tips for making baby-steps toward your ideals.) Amy’s home is much more organized and clean than mine on a daily basis, but we’re individuals with different needs and goals.

As I’ve said before, one of my goals is a comfortable home that invites others to sit down and chat with me. To this end, I’m middle of the road. I do not have a spotless home. As a matter of fact, I probably score higher points in the uncluttered category than I do in the cleanliness category… but I’m okay with that. Being middle of the road means that people on either side of me on the homekeeping continuum are reasonably comfortable. Cleany-clean people probably wouldn’t be comfy since dusting isn’t my thing and floors are my least-favorite job, but most people wouldn’t walk away feeling disgusted. I’ve had first-time visitors say that my home feels restful and comfortable. As far as I’m concerned, that’s high praise.

To maintain this restfulness, I try to keep the clutter on surfaces to a minimum. I’ve pared down what is displayed on my mantle. My kitchen counters (generally) have only what I use daily. (Full-disclosure: I do have a “hot spot” that gathers clutter on the counter beside the fridge, but that is something of a barometer of how crazy life is. When things are calm, it’s much less likely to exist.) My bookshelves are organized by category, then by size… though as I look at them, I need to do a quick re-shelving or Goodwill-donating job since a few books are lying flat on top of the shelved books. Keeping surfaces clear goes a LONG way to making your family and guests feel comfortable.

Ministry of Reality Confession: Clutter bothers me, and I’m generally spurred to clean only when the dirt is so big it becomes visual clutter.

I thought it was a fantastic idea, but I didn’t have a blog with which to participate. So. I came over here to WordPress and built a blog. I debated lots of usernames, and decided on (obviously!) Ministry of Reality. Which I think makes sense for me as this is going to be my “real life” blog where I talk about my life.

But.

But I didn’t think about the bigger picture. Here’s my friend with this idea to do MOR Mondays, and then I go and name my blog MOR. Kinda seems like I’m trying to take over the project, doesn’t it? <giggle> That was not my intent, and I will plainly state that I didn’t mean to take credit for her idea. I hope she’ll forgive me for my lack of forethought.

I’m honest about my struggles to parent well and to wife well. I generally let my flaws be obvious. I decided a few years ago to call my lifestyle my Ministry of Reality.

So many moms struggle to maintain the perfect image of their families that it becomes a burden. The worst thing about this burden is that it cannot be shared.

In my experience, those of us who are Christians are sometimes the worst about maintaining this perfect image… which is really silly since we are *supposed* to be aware that all of us are imperfect sinners.

My Ministry of Reality involves acknowledging that marriage is hard, houses are lived in, kids aren’t always dressed adorably (or even cleanly!), we’re not all rich, and life involves hard questions that don’t have easy answers. None of this is permission to not serve our families as we ought… we strive to keep our marriages strong, our homes live-ably neat, our children clothed, our budget reasonable, and to minister to those facing hard questions that don’t have easy answers. We acknowledge that all of these things are on a continuum and that we rely on God for the strength for it all.

In true Ministry of Reality fashion, I won’t be posting every day, but I hope to post frequently enough to keep my reader (I’m not even going to make that word plural!) interested.